Cheesey Story Checklist
Each item on this list earns a story 1 Cheese Point. Earning the maximum amount of Cheese Points will earn you the Golden Wedge! (Note. Additional points can be added only when the scene changes. Also, WTF points do not count for a trophy, but may be considered criminal evidence in some states)
- Parental Warning Plot Spoiler. Award one point if the author includes a parental guidance warning for their story. Award a bonus point if it spoils the plot. For example, if Stephen King did this with his novels, it would read something like "Warning. This story contains a scene where a naked old dead woman tries to have sex with the central character, and a scene where he kills the caretaker with a croquet mallet."
- Copyright Spoiler. Award one point if the author cites a copyright when they have a greater chance of being hit by an asteroid than getting sued by Columbia Pictures (insert publisher here), especially if the writing is terrible. Since this is author note related, this same point applies to spoiling the plot with the copyright credits (example: The reader knows there are Vulcans in the story because the author credits Paramont for the Vulcans in the opener, thus spoiling the surprise):
- Lazy Narrator Intro. Award one point if the author establishes the setting of the story in a general outline in the author's note instead of actually describing it. For example, "Characters in this story live in this city that is totally like the world of Halo. All the cities and places are the same, so just imagine it like that, okay?"
- Yagerneister Influenced Intro. Award one point if the author's note blurs into the opening of the story in a way that doesn't do anything to help readability or add depth:
- Title Cheese.One point if the title of the story or chapter sounds weak, promises tea but gives coffee, or is blatantly unoriginal. One point bonus if the title is worked into the story.
- Joe Is In A Room. One point if the story begins with the character's name, without cluing the reader in to who they are (and possibly forcing them to refer back to the source material), or, if a sentence begins with a character's name, and that character is not introduced anywhere, in any fashion, in any of the preceding chapters (again forcing them to check the source material). One point for each new character that is given a name before being introduced. Award a bonus point if the character's description is thrown in immediately afterwards as an afterthought.
- No Return. Award one point if the author seldom breaks the paragraphs into separate thoughts or separate dialog, even if it seems entirely necessary.
- POV Potpourri. One point if the story fails to have a consistent POV (third person, second person, first person, close third) throughout the entire story without breaking into a new chapter or any division of thought. Fails during crucial moments, brief confrontations with enemies, sex scenes or get sidetracked while introducing characters the author apparently finds interesting but doesn't want to fully flesh out.
- Quick Release. One point if the author attempts to set up suspense by describing something with suspense potential, then delivering the payoff prematurely.
- Mr. Invincible. One point if the hero of the story has every ridiculously unfair advantage, rendering the possibility of a real challenge from a real enemy impossible.
- Mr. Invincible - Category: Flawless: One point for a protagonist with no weaknesses, challenging disadvantages, frailties, moral weaknesses or faults. Bonus point if the author excuses it by saying it's instinctual for the character's race/species/culture/genetics/whatever.
- Mr. Invincible - Category: Flawless Beyond Logic: One point if the character is never bad at doing anything (sports, mechanics, scientific equations, engineering, brain surgery, etc.), with no explanation as to why (such as them being a child prodigy or a thousand year old alien).
- Mr. Invincible - Category: Invincible Ego: Award one point if the hero never commits social faux pas, even though he has every right to do so, with no explanation as to why he's so knowledgeable in the arena of social etiquette and/or customs (especially in foreign cultures).
- Mr. Invincible - Category: Villains.One point if villains/enemies/opponents in the story are never given a fair chance to fight back, or the odds stacked ridiculously in the hero's favor (The "Little Brother" cliche). Bonus point. Villains are punished with, or threatened to be punished with brutal, excessively gruesome violence that doesn't even have a slight resemblance to the crime. Or are mercilessly punished with brutal violence for only threatening to commit a crime.
- Mr. Invincible - Category: Law. Award one point if the antagonist(s) in the story face the hero in matters of law and are never given a fair chance to rebut, face a kangaroo court with a hung jury, are silenced by the judge before even giving their statement, or are set up with a jury of their enemies. In situations outside court, award one point if the antagonist never poses a serious threat to the hero in terms of business, debate, contractual obligation, or other legal entanglements.
- Mr. Invincible - Category: Canon: If fanfiction, award one point if the hero is ten times more powerful, more wise, more romantic, and/or generally more impressive than one or more canon characters. Also award a point if the character is said to do whatever the canon character is famous for before they did it, stealing their thunder. Award a bonus point if the author keeps the ball rolling in that direction when they should have stopped two or three sentences ago. Alternately, one point if the fanfiction involves the author's made-up character saving the life of canon characters. Add a bonus point if canon shows the hero to be strong enough to take care of himself or herself without this character's help.
- Mr. Invincible - Category: Overkill: Award one point for overkill (in other words, if the writer belabors the point that the heroes are super powerful and flashy in their amazing power, without showing enough reasons why such power is necessary to the story). For example, sending a musclebound military commando loaded with grenades, handguns, machine guns and a bazooka up against a one armed man with no legs in a broken wheelchair. Award a bonus point if the same "hero" (read. bully) discovers additional equipment that makes the fight even more unfairly stacked in his advantage (like a chainsaw and an army of goons with a tank). Award bonus point if the power isn't actually used.
- Mr. Invincible - Category: Straw Soldiers: Award one point for an action or battle sequence where the character's incredible powers and lack of weakness or serious threat of danger prevents the reader from caring about what is happening.
- Mr. Invincible - Category: Red Shirt Deaths: Award one point for "red shirt" deaths instead of the deaths of characters that the hero cares about.
- Mr. Invincible - Category: Herocentric Universe : Award one point if everything revolves around the hero, where nobody lives their own independent life or cares about something other than what the hero cares about.
- Mr. Invincible - Category: Can't Take a Joke : Hero never falls for any joke, making him the ultimate stick-in-the-mud, but he can sure dish them out. Alternately, the hero is always correct in his assessment of other characters being less than himself, and the other characters agree with his assessment.
- Mr. Invincible - Category: "Love Story" Tagline : True love or friendship means that other characters must always admit the hero is right, and they must always admit they are wrong. It never goes in reverse. Alternately, it means that it's the woman's responsibility to change and win the hero's heart. He never has to meet her halfway, or bend over backwards to win hers.
- Mr. Invincible - Category: Planning For Yawns : Award one point for a character who plans way ahead for all possible conflicts and dangers, thus preventing any interesting plot developments from occurring. Alternately, award one point for a writer who plans way ahead for all possible conflicts and dangers in such a way that prevents any interesting plot developments from occurring, including the omission of any realistic inconveniences such as a single guy having a barking incontinent dog and only one single size bed when he first takes the girl to his apartment.
- Mr. Invincible - Category: Magic On Demand : Award one point if the hero of the story conveniently gains magical powers at a crucial moment with little or no explanation about how they gained the powers in just the right time they needed them.
- Mr. Invincible - Category: Slightly Wounded Hero: Award one point if the hero of the story breaks down and shares some wound from his past, and the wound is more like a scratch. For example, he feels upset about the loss of a fellow soldier (not anyone close to him) who got killed by a major villain, but he killed the villain off, thus making the reader sigh in disappointment. Or he gets made fun of once in grade school for flunking one test, but turns out to be the most popular straight A student in the school after that. The reader goes, "Oh. Is that all."
- Mr. Invincible - Category: Know It All: Award one point if the hero knows everything about every enemy he or she encounters, to the point where they can just use the information to embarrass them, or make defeating them so easy that they can microwave a burrito and watch TV while destroying them. This often ties into MSDS Unabridged and Info Dumptruck.
- Mr. Invincible - Category: Friends In High Places: Award one point if the hero makes use of Mr. Invincible type allies, people with godlike powers, unlimited strength, skill, infinite wealth, or unlimited control over the legal system. Alternately, award a point if the super Invincible character gets rescued by another hero just a second before we can actually see him become vulnerable enough to be believable.
- Mr. Invincible - Category: Gullibility Ray: Award one point if the hero's antagonists are unreasonably gullible, believing any old thing without demanding the slightest shred of proof or evidence, and the author doesn't even hang a lampshade by saying they're stupid. Alternately, award a point if the hero gives the antagonist a bunch of lame, flimsy excuses, and they blindly accept it as fact. For example, the hero, a chef at a local restaurant, just walks into a police station and picks up his criminal friend armed with only a few bad lies, and successfully retrieves him without the slightest mention of judicial process...or the use of The Force.
- "This Looks Neat" One point if the author makes use of differently colored fonts and other font related gimmicks to illustrate different types of dialog or text in the story. Add a bonus point if it causes a html error that screws up the rest of the page.
- Fandom Style Manual: One point if the writer makes use of fandom terminology that doesn't resemble the English language that outsiders can or want to understand in the narrative(morphs, headfur, tailwaves, lickkiss, pawhand, tailgrin, anthro, mecha, handpaws, etc.). Alternately, one point if the writer invents terminology that isn't explained anywhere in the story, or explained in only vague ways that may or may not only be addressed several paragraphs later. Add another point if the paragraph is so saturated with these terms that the reader becomes confused enough to stop reading.
- See Fandom Glossary: One point if the writer spontaneously throws out character names, words, expressions, and terms from the source material without bothering to explain them in the text, forcing the reader to go back to the source material for reference.
- Redundantly Redundant: One point if the author follows a quotation with a redundant sentence that basically repeats what has already been said. I.e. "I'm going outside," Tom said, explaining his intention to go outside. Alternately, one point if a sentence is visibly redundant. Alternately, one point if a sentence is visibly redundant (or repetitive), or if quotations are preceded or ended with statements that redundantly state what has already been stated, or will be stated in the next sentence. Another variation is if the central character gets introduced in the beginning of the story, then ends up being introduced later in the story like he's a new character that the reader knows nothing about.
- CTRL+V: One point if you're reading the story and suddenly you find yourself reading the same block of text you read a few paragraphs before because the author copy pasted the text by mistake.
- Pretty Nice: One point if the author uses vague, unhelpful adjectives like "nice", "beautiful", "pretty", "strange", "handsome", and other such non-descript words to describe things. Alternately, one point if it's scifi and the writer describes something as "alien" without adding any other description of what the item looks like.
- Mega Recap: One point if the author provides a recap to previous events in the story that is just as long or longer than the original events, or provides a super long "recap" of events that the writer neglected to write about in previous chapters, but felt inclined to share in a huge block of text or a lengthy uninterrupted speech that would take at least ten minutes to say out loud.
- One point if the author describes actions with vague adjectives such as "sensually" or "brutally".
- Doctor Standards:Doctor Standards. Long name repeated because author didn't make up a name for the character.
Example.
"Mind if I come in?" the actor who had played Dr. Standards asked
"Why the Hell not?" the dark-furred lupine shrugged.
"Thanks." The actor who played Dr. Standards squeezed through the doorway, and sat himself down on the floor, his tail flowing out behind him....
See anything similar?
- Info Dumptruck: One point for biographical, cultural, or character description info dump. Alternately, one point if the dialog resembles a soap opera or bad scifi movie, or a college lecture, providing an out of character verbal equivalent of a cultural, character, or description info dump. Bonus if during the verbal dump the character listening to the lecture only smiles, nods, and listens intently ("Oh, please, tell me more!"), or if the speaker only punctuates the lecture with something uninteresting like nodding, blinking, swallowing or breathing. Alternately, award a point if another character eagerly requests the info dump to start, like they have nothing better to do.
- Dump Within A Dump Within A Dump Award a point if the incredibly long info dump is punctuated with other long info dumps, creating something like an infinite succession of lecturing. For example, a character is giving a soap opera style info dump about their life's story, and then she pauses, and the narrator gives an info dump about the character's story before she continues speaking.
- "What do you mean, `Fire is hot'"?: Award one point if characters get into a long, drawn out argument/debate over any plot element that is so obvious that nobody should be arguing about it. For example, a cop arguing with someone about why it's a good idea to carry a gun when chasing down a serial killer in a factory filled with zombies ("Well, you see, if I carried only a baseball bat, they might bite me..."). Award a bonus point if it includes a historical lesson.
- Fill Dirt Dumping: Award one point if the author throws in a biographical, cultural, or character description info dump as an afterthought to cover up plot holes or a lack of characterization in previous sections, OR if the writer suddenly decides to describe a character's looks after writing about them for several paragraphs without any sort of description.
- Rererecap: One point if the narrator recaps the recap, or recaps the biographical info dump, and/or provides an otherwise redundant recap that we wouldn't need unless we slept through the previous chapter.
- MSDS Unabridged: Award a point if a long formal introduction speech unimportant to the plot is given in its entirety instead of being summed up for brevity, or if a long, obvious sounding speech is given in its entirety, such as a flight safety speech about the cushions making floatation devices, material safety data sheets, rules to popular games we all know about, Red Cross mission statements, etc., or, "There is a blue Honda in the parking lot with its lights on," and classroom roll calls. Also, award a point if the character in the story makes elaborate plans that take the form of super long info dumps in the dialog or narrative.
- Conversational Sow's Ear: Award one point for the author describing characters "talking for hours" on subjects that would lose steam, or listeners, after the first ten minutes (like aircraft mechanics, an explanation of the dictionary's definition of shuffleboard, etc).
- Always The Right Shoulder: People who are crying always want to talk about the reasons why they're crying, sharing the memories, especially if they are painful, overly private, and/or the supporting character repeatedly tells them that it's okay, they don't need to know. Really.
- Mary Sue: A "self fiction" that is obviously so. Award a bonus point if it sounds like the author-hero is emo and/or planning to commit suicide or kill someone at his high school. Award another bonus point if it reads more like a private diary than a real work of fiction, but it's not a first person novel with a diary style.
- Mary Sue: Category: Wish Fulfillment One point for obvious Mary Sue-ish wish fulfillment (She dreams/writes about it, and poof, it happens, or something that is so obviously a rant about `how things ought to be' that it breaks the suspension of disbelief (an emo info dump), OR the writer specifically using their name in the story itself, and it's a fantasy story)..
- Mary Sue: Category: Everybody Loves Me: Mary Sue has no enemies, except for super evil types whose only fault is not loving Mary Sue.
- Mary Sue: Category: I'm So Sorry: Award one point if the antagonist(s) of the story magically bend over backwards apologizing to the hero and/or Mary Sue for making a couple lame jokes at their expense and/or otherwise mocking or insulting them, when they really have no good reason to do so much butt kissing, and it goes against everything in their character. Alternately, award a point if the antagonist admits they're wrong, and it's the same scenario where they're bending over backwards to admit it.
- Mary Sue: Category: Canon: Award one point if the hero or heroine of the story is the object of a canon character's affection, especially if they seem to be out of their league or an otherwise inappropriate match.
- Mary Sue: Category: That's Okay, Tell Me More About You: Award one point if there's always someone to hear Mary Sue's sob story, and they just listen politely and comfort her, without ever talking about themselves. Their sob story could potentially sound worse than Mary Sue's, so they politely decline, saying, "That's really okay. Tell me more about you."
- Mary Sue: Category: Emo Empathic Power: Award one point if characters have an uncanny ability to read the hero's near invisible nonverbal cues to open up and heal emotional wounds that would never be healed that way in real life. For example, a troubled teenager who never says anything to anyone, but looks sad all the time suddenly is surrounded by people who can somehow read his mind enough to start consoling him for being made fun of at school for being a transvestite ballerina...instead of doing the realistic thing and just asking if someone died.
- Gee, thanks, narrator: One point for narrative spoiler, where authorial indiscretions lead to the author giving away the plot. Alternately, award a point if the authorial indiscretions mercilessly destroy any willing suspension of disbelief and/or spoil the plot.
- The J.K Rowling: One point for when the author makes excessive use of adverbs ending in "LY", to the point where they are presented twice in the same sentence, or once in at least two consecutive sentences ("Nice buns, Tom said cheekily").
- However, He Also Had a Gun: One point for the author making incorrect use of "but," "whatever," "fortunately," "still," "unsurprisingly," or other such phrases designed to express exceptions to an overall rule. (I.e. Instead of saying "John was allergic to bees. However, this was the type of bee that didn't have a stinger, so he didn't swell up and die when he swatted it," they write something like, "He was an armed soldier, however, he also had a gun."
- Harlequin Romance: One point for metaphors in the story drawing attention to themselves, disrupting the suspension of disbelief in sort of a Harlequin Romance type fashion? I.E. "Their passion rose and spiraled like hairy, oversexed eagles riding on a rampaging waterfall, exploding into the sunlight caverns of passion..." Or something equally silly.
- Doctor Strangelove Dialog: One point for anything that reads like this: "Look boys I ain't much of a hand at making speeches, but I got a pretty fair idea that something doggoned important is goin' on back there. And I got a fair idea the kinda personal emotions that some of you fellas may be thinkin'."
- Patching:: One point for "Patching" the story with a new section of text rather than going back and editing the problem areas/plot holes/missing descriptions found earlier in the story.
- Angry Lesbian Breasts:: Award one point for using a character's emotion as their sole description, such as "angry lesbian breasts." Alternately, award one point if the protagonist is described as physically seeing invisible qualities such as honesty, or sincerity in someone when all they're doing is staring at them. In other words, they're not doing anything courageous or honest, but the description says that they radiate honesty somehow. Example: "There was such honesty and dignity in his eyes that I felt as if I was looking into the eyes of honor itself (Credit: Writeroftherevolution at Fanfiction.net)."
- Character Non Descriptions:: One point for replacing description with job description or plot related non-description. Example, "He turned to the armed warrior, gesturing for him to follow" when the reader already knows he's a warrior, and has used the arms in previous paragraphs. Award a bonus point if the non-description can apply to multiple characters or things, such as "girlfriend" or "machine", leading the reader to ask, "Which one?" Alternately, award one point for repeating a generic character description over and over again in a close sequence of paragraphs without adding a name or any supporting descriptions to add depth (Example. "He saw a clothed human walk through the door...The clothed human pulled out a gun...The clothed human ran away.") Or, award one point for using a character's emotion as their sole description, such as "angry lesbian breasts."
- Refer To Previous Description: One point for using an unhelpful comparison to describe a character or thing (and nothing else), such as "She was more beautiful than her sister, Emily", or, "The meeting room on the ship was more vast than the one on the Excelsior, and much more well organized"
- Refer To Movie: In fan fiction, comparing a character or an event to something in the movie, forcing the reader to refer back to the source material, such as, "They ran down the corridor, firing at Storm Troopers like Leia did in the Empire Strikes Back" or "He looked exactly like X in movie X."
- Refer To Canon: One point if the author forces the reader to derive descriptions or explanations about story elements from various canon sources. This basically entails anything not covered in the other "refer to" categories, such as books, comics, or "canon" materials such as fanzines or popular fan websites. See "Refer To Movie" for further explanation.
- Concept Salad: One point for the author tossing out character details that don't seem apply to any part of the story, without even trying to work them into a scene in attempts to have it make sense.
- It Was Lucky That: One point for the author conveniently glancing over a potential plot complications by throwing out some cheap deux ex machina, accompanied by a line like `it was lucky that', `it was fortunate that' or `I thank my lucky stars that'.
- Excessive Homage: One point if the story imitates the source material so closely that it becomes annoying, OR, award one point if the characters knowingly reference the source material, but it's not a joke, which destroys all credibility (example. "Yes, it's exactly like Star Trek," the doctor said, waving a tricorder over his head).
- Temporal Salad: One point if the author mixes up his or her past, present and future tenses in a way which does nothing to add to the readability. Alternately, one point if the author writes the entire story in roleplaying game tense, i.e. completely in present tense.
- That's Why I Prefer Amiga: Award one point for over-explaining character thoughts or behavior in regards to matters unimportant to the plot, instead letting the reader draw their own conclusions(For example, in a story about a bank robbery, the author provides a huge paragraph explaining why the cop prefers Amiga computers to Windows, when the robbery did not involve the difference between Amiga and Windows computers, and the rest of the story makes no mention of the issue.).
- King Trite-On: One point for using trite expressions ("tighter than a drum", "deader than a doornail", "my heart leapt into my throat", etc.) enough to draw attention to the writing and disrupt the willing suspension of disbelief. See the list below for some examples.
- Raping The Fourth Wall: One point for first person narrative that breaks the suspension of disbelief with rhetorical questions, puns, and other things that distract from telling a story.
- The Space Bus: One point if it contains something like "taking the Space Bus to Space School" (Earth by any other name is still earth), or puts quotes around an earth thing to indicate it's from space, instead of making it truly alien. Either that, or award a point for alien creatures or things that are basically no different than creatures or things on earth. Alternately, "culture/taste/music never changes, even when it's thousands of years in the future and/or on another planet").
- Surfer Novelist: One point for slang...IN A THIRD PERSON NARRATIVE (Example. "The dude had, like totally long hair and a beard. He totally sat on a bench in the bright morning sunshine..."). Add another point for cussing in the third person narration.
- Don't Think of An Elephant: One point for a non-problem where the author spends about a paragraph or more explaining why it isn't a problem instead of leaving out the discussion of the problem, or deciding yes, it is a problem and it is a major plot point. For example, "John was always deathly afraid of giant pink elephants wielding knives, but fortunately he lived in a world where such things did not exist.".
- Step 1: He Got In The Car.: One point for step-by-step instruction manual as part of the actions of a character in the narrative, or exceedingly long dialog resembling such an instruction manual.
- Hmmm...I wonder what Rosebud is: One point for a "shocking" ending (either an anticlimax, something you saw coming a mile away, or a "shocker" ending seen in another popular work of fiction).
- He Is Because I Said He Is/It is Because I Said So: Calling a character an asshole automatically makes them one (character given this name is not given a chance to prove it fits), alternately, saying something looks or tastes like shit automatically makes it so without supplying a description, or saying in the third person prose text that something is categorically true about an event or a character without letting the reader draw their own conclusions, such as the narrator calling them stupid ("You asshole!" said Jane. And she was right. He was an asshole.). Alternately, award a cheese point if, in a third person narrative, the narrator describes something as "disgusting" or "beautiful" without really letting the reader make their own decision about it. For example, "John saw the two of them having sex on the bed. It was a disgusting sight." Note how it doesn't say "John found it disgusting to see them having sex," it just says "it was disgusting". Maybe the reader disagrees, but the desription doesn't allow enough for anyone to make a judgment.
- "Translation: `Where's the Beef?'": Alien language expressions always have 1-1 correspondence with English, or English colloquialisms (as opposed to being untranslatable, confusing, or embarrassingly wrong) and/or aliens always understand Earth insults, and vice versa.
- Unsolicited Detailing One point for verbal overshare and/or unnecessary verbal sharing of unsolicited info of any kind. Example. In the middle of a story, with no one saying a word about it, a side character suddenly says something like, "I'm double jointed!" Leading the reader to ask, "Who are you?" And "What does this have to do with anything?" Alternately, one point if a character answers a question nobody is asking the character, and they're not a telepath (a rhetorical answer).
- Scene Shifting Without Clutch Award one point for missing transition, and/or a scene where dialog literally says something like "It's a long story. It all began when I took a drive down to the hospital...and there was blood everywhere" complete with the ellipses and missing sentences, or a jolting gap between the current paragraph and the one immediately after it (Example. They're at an office party at some printing company, and the next paragraph describes them fixing a buggy on the moon without adequate explanation of how they got there.) Alternately, award a point if the only transition between the scenes is something like "FRIDAY. 2.3 P.M. WEST AVENUE".
- You Wore It Out (John This, John That, John Wore A Campaign Hat): Award one point for overuse of a character's or characters' names in one paragraph, and/or repeating their names in a series of paragraphs in a way that draws attention to their excessive use. For example a story that centers around one character where the narrator keeps writing their name instead of "he" or "she".
- Adam West Narrative: Award one point if dialog in the narrative involves a lot of unnecessary sound effects, instead of having the narrative itself contain those sound effects. Example. "The boxer hit John in the stomach, causing him to say "oof" in pain. Then, the boxer's fist went "crack!" on his face." Alternately, award a point if something like this happens during a sex scene. "Mmmm," Rhonda mmm'ed in pleasure. "Mmm mmm mmm." "Oh!" John oh'ed. "Oh oh oh."
- The Rabbit's Waistcoat: Award one point if something happens to a character or object without said item being introduced. For exmple, "He watched as the helpless man was dragged into the room in handcuffs" when the author never established that there was "A" helpless man to be dragged into the room in handcuffs.
- Character Disassociation: Award one point if the writer makes it seem like something happening to the main character is actually happening to another character instead, by accident. Example. Instead of `he felt a pair of hands forcibly pull him into the room', the author instead writes something like `a pair of hands forcibly pulled the man standing at the doorway further into the room', despite the fact that the hero is actually the man standing at the doorway. Alternately, award a point if the author describes a character watching another character, and you're suddenly confused as to who is doing what action, like "Norm glanced at Jake's expression, then to Seze's fallen form, trying to rub the bruises she must have gotten." Who exactly is doing the rubbing? You could say it was Norm!
- MEANWHILE... Award one point for TO BE CONTINUED! (As if that's really needed in any story! Just leave them at the edge of their seat and make the sequel!) Alternately, award a point for transitioning between scenes with a melodramatic "MEANWHILE..."
- Michael Gondry Prose Inconsistent, unnecessarily coarse language (without anything to excuse it like `he just hit his thumb' or `that's just the way they talk').
- Textbook Hero: Award one point if the hero does everything boringly by the book, never diverting from the instructions (which conveniently always match what he or she wants to do).
- Cookie Monster Style Manual: Award one point for use of the Cookie Monster Style Manual in a third person narrative ("I.E. John go downstairs and drink coffee. Coffee good with cookie. Om nom nom nom nom nom.").
- Oh, I Forgot He's Naked: Award one point for writing an entire scene where characters go about their business, neglecting to notice an important detail, such as the fact someone is naked, or that one of them is bleeding to death.
- Fakedreaming: Award one point if a character is described as snapping out of a daydream when the author fails to establish they were, in fact, daydreaming in such a way that distracted them from the task at hand, such as not burning their hand in a fire.
- "In English `Tree' Means Tree": Award one point for use of a foreign language where words are simply English words in italics, and the author disrupts the suspension of disbelief by drawing attention to this fact (i.e. "`What is the word for tree in your language?' she asked. `Tree.'.
- "CUT TO: CHAPTER 2, PARAGRAPH 1" Award one point for breaking up sections of the story with stage directions when it's not a screenplay (SMASH CUT TO NEXT SCENE, FAST FORWARD, SCENE TWO, ON TO THE NEXT SCENE, KYLE'S POV, etc.).
- Target Audience Yo-Yo Paradoxical word usage, such as profuse profanity followed by bleeped out cuss words, or graphic depictions of sex followed by politically correct innendos like "his loins" and "her bosom." Alternately, award one point for inappropriate or unfitting literary quotations, such as slapping a line from Shakespeare onto a character description in a first grader's novel about The Smurfs.
- Shirley, You Can't Be Serious Award one point for an unintentional Shirley You Can't Be Serious, and/or unfortunate character name choice (and not done for comic effect).
- Name Overlap Confusion Example: The character features a character named Bob, and a girl named Bobby, or a guy named Stephen and a girl named Stephanie in the same story).
- Moviephone Prose: Award one point for a "why didn't you just say that?" Example. "I saw what looked to be a Chinese man in a green uniform. In fact, that is exactly what it was."
- Shaggy Dog Ending: Award one point for a shaggy dog ending (a long, drawn out story that ends with an anticlimax that makes you ask "why did they even bother doing anything"). Alternately, any ending where the characters change personalities for no apparent reason in order to conclude the story instead of actually resolving the emotional conflict.
- A Word From Our Sponsors: Award one point for a blatant advertisement of any commercial product (Example. "I was surprised by the rich smoothness of Pabst Blue Ribbon, and how it slid, honey smooth, down my throat."). Alternately, award a point if the writer's fan fiction blatantly advertises a movie or other entertainment product instead of actually writing a believable scenario.
- I'm Bored: Award one point if the author goes out of his or her way to convey boredom to the reader, such as having the main character say something like "gee, I'm bored" and yawn, and wander around trying to find things to do, making the reader yawn themselves. Alternately, award one point if the narrator spends too much time describing characters doing something incredibly insipid, like watching TV, playing video games or writing a fanfic, and describing the contents thereof in excessive detail. ("And then he popped in a DVD of Jackass, watching the episode where they ride the shopping carts across the parking lot, and...")
- Retief Dialog: Award one point for any phrase that involves the phrase "pointed out" in the following fashion. "Retief ate dinner with the embassador last week," Gropedark pointed out." Alternately, any similar expression where the "said" is nondescript, yet used instead of "said" for no good reason, like "The crystal was stolen last night," Retief told him."
- Pranks For Those With No Friends: Award one point if the hero plays a "funny prank" on other characters in the story in such a way that, had it happened in real life, it seems the FBI or at least a violent beating would have been involved at some point, and the author seems blissfully unaware of this fact. Example. The hero "jokingly" pours pepper spray in his victim's eyes while they're sleeping as a "prank" and the narrator describes it as "lighthearted fun."
- It All Depends On Jarjar: Award a point if a crucial plot "shocker" hinges on a poorly developed character, rendering the whole event into an uninteresting pancake of a plot.
- Archie Bunker Dad: Award one point for an exceedingly stereotypical alcoholic father figure (basically anything resembling Archie Bunker, who beats on people emotionally and physically, but has no good qualities).
- Pancake Villain: Award one point for a villain with no good and/or sympathetic qualities whatsoever (has no good side, mistreats his pets, has no love interests, no crippling disabilites that make you feel sorry for him, etc.)
- Present Progressive Abuse: Award one point if there are three or more sentences in a row where you see lines like "While he was doing (whatever), his wife did (something else). When her son billy was doing (something), he did (bla bla bla)." In other words, the author is mercilessly abusing the present progressive.
- Attention Defecit Prose: Award one point for Attention Defecit prose. Note: Not to be confused with stream of consciousness writing, which intentionally isn't supposed to make sense. Example: The paragraph begins with a character doing something that needs an explanation. Instead of continuing the thought, the author starts giving the history of cybernetic monkeys, which also isn't explained because now he's talking about fires, and how the president is unfairly pocketing taxpayers' money.
- Peeping Tom Universe: Everyone's a voyeur interested in your sex life/romantic life, everyone gets horny thinking about your sex life, or gives you knowing smiles when they catch you having sex: 0
- Mr. Tree Monkey's Ulcer: The hero of the story lives in some sort of environment where stress is virtually nonexistant. The character has no job, they live on an island paradise, they have a million dollars in their bank account. Or maybe they're a monkey, leisurely eating bananas, sipping from coconuts, and basking in the tropical sun all day, making love to other monkeys all night. In short, THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT STRESS AND/OR HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!!!
- My Little Pony's Dark Secret: As the title implies, some type of character that should never, ever have a dark, horrible secret suddenly divulges some sort of painful, depressing past that would be taken seriously if it were not being spoken by a pink pony in a sunny meadow full of rainbows and heart shaped marshmallows. Award a bonus point if the character is dark and brooding over something ridiculously trivial, like getting an F on their macaroni art project. Add another point if the aftermath of such trifles take on Godfather-like proportions (suicides, shootings, turning to a life of crime, etc.)
- Grandpa Skywalker's Story Time: Canon character recounts his/her adventures that we already saw in a movie (bonus if it's an Info Dumptruck, another if it's so long and tedious that you want to push fast forward, and another if the listeners are actually interested in listening).
- Inappropriate Punctuation and/or Shortcut Symbols: One point for inappropriate punctuation, or comma usage in places that don't need commas. Example: "He let out a short, coarse, laugh." Alternately, one point for using numbers, hash marks, scientific notation or the foot symbol " in the prose instead of writing it out, such as Award one point for unprofessional use of numbers such as "he looked up and saw 2 men enter the room." Alternately, award a point if the story badly needs punctuation.
- Inappropriate Transitions: Award one point for inappropriate transition into action. Example: "He was a slim, muscular fellow, with raspberry hair and glistening white teeth, shoveling manure out of a barn with a pitchfork." Alternately, award a point for a transition that doesn't make sense due to being a run-on sentence, like "Being young, she recovered quickly, and soon found another, James, a sweet terrier mix who could make her laugh no matter how depressed she got after using her knowledge to kill someone." (Credit:)
- Character Nonaction Action: Award one point for adding a vague unhelpful description of a character doing something after a line of dialog, such as "`I hate you, Jason,' Doug said, showing Jason how angry he felt."
- Mortal Kombat Dossier: Award one point if the author awkwardly introduces each character in the style of a video game dossier, especially if the dossier has a video game-like flavor. Example: "Name: Keet Jun AKA. Flying Fist. Nationality: Mandarin Chinese. Trained as an assassin by a rouge gang of Shaolin monks, Keet's goal for winning the competition is to kill the man responsible for murdering his wife and family. Keet's flying fist attack and electricity make him a formidable opponent in kombat."
- We'll Need Exactly 68731 Nails: Award a cheese point if a character's planning meeting goes into more detail than is reasonably necessary for understanding the plot, down to instructions on how to manufacture a table with a skill saw (example: "We will stand on this mound over here and fire our cannons. You see, John, cannonballs must be propelled by gunpowder, which is a highly combustible powder developed by the Chinese...). Alternately, award a cheese point if the hero's plan seems to extend several hundred years beyond what is absolutely necessary for the plot. (Example: "After you defeat the dragon, killed the ogre, shot up all ten of the storm troopers and saved the princess, you will face the evil overlord. The overlord will probably be wearing a bow tie. If the bow tie is loose, try to untie it and choke him with it. If not, try to find a nearby bottle and smash it open. If you don't find a bottle there, try to find a fireplace poker..." And that's only the first paragraph!)
- I Got An "EL-F-O": Award a point if the author makes it apparent they don't know much about a language, and the character is a foreigner (such as a Mexican saying he's going to El Bathroom-O, or overusing one phrase like "Domo").
- OCD Narrative: (Not to be confused with being obsessive with details). Award a point if the author seems to belabor the point about cleanliness, to the point in which you start to wonder if the author has OCD. For example, the characters are described as taking extra time to dust off their countertops, wash their hands, straighten pictures, and disinfect things, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the story. Does it really matter if Batman has cookie dough on his hands when he picks up the Batphone? Not really. It's not like we're actually going to use it ourselves. But the author has drawn our attention to this bit of information, and that's cheesy.
- Mai Tais And (Boring) Memories: Award a point if the author devotes a great deal of time to describing characters just sitting around, relaxing, possibly witn umbrella drinks, lounging in the pool, doing absolutely nothing to further the plot. Alternately, anything that seems like something you'd be forced to endure if you visited a boring couple and asked them to show you their vacation pictures. This may apply to fantasy creatures and aliens, since they also can have boring memories.
- Grandma, Cookies and Cocoa: The children's version of the Mai Tai trope. Award a cheese point if the author bores the reader with long descriptions of mundane things like children eating cookies, drinking cocoa, having pillow fights and hugging grandma.
- Teddy Ruxpin Cut: (As in the commercials that say "One day we found an old treasure map..." and leave you hanging.) Award one cheese point if a character begins a story like this: "You see, a long time ago, I was visiting with a friend, and..." and the author cuts to the next scene without a word about the content of the story.
- Oh, And BTW, There's A Serial Killer: Award a point if the author ruins the drama in a section of the story by means of castrated or stilted word usage, such as: "A man was running through a forest, and, oh yeah, I almost forgot, he was being chased by a serial killer," or "She recoiled in horror, stepping back as the murderer approached. This killer was no ordinary killer, he was a graduate from Harvard, with degrees in business management and accounting. He graduated top of his class from Midvale High School, receiving a full ride scholarship. And now, as he stepped closer and closer, she knew that she'd be defenseless against his impeccable logic...and his knife."
- Pizza Man Paragraph: Award a point if the author devotes an entire paragraph or two to some unimportant side character who will never again rear their head in the story, such as a pizza man, a coast guard boat guy, or a bellhop, and nothing in this character's short span of existence justifies his presence in the story (such as being killed or having his clothing stolen).
- Convenient Love: Award a point if the hero is conveniently set up with a girlfriend or boyfriend, and it's so contrived as to be unbelievable. Especially if nobody says anything about it being a convenient turn of events and/or if the supernatural is not involved. For example, if a mad scientist makes a male and female monster for breeding purposes, and they find themselves falling in love with each other. Or a nerd walks out of a store with his nose in a book and conveniently bumps into the girl of his dreams, and they fall in love, with no real effort on the guy's part. Or a fat slob who does nothing but play video games suddenly finds a half naked woman hiding in his house, and the author writes about her falling in love with him.
- Richie Rich: Award a point if the hero is so conveniently well-to-do that it prevents interesting plots from occurring. For example, if anything bad happens to him, he can throw money at the problem and it'll go away.
- Fake TV Montage: "Previously on cheesy internet fiction...`John! Look out!' `I will assassinate Ed Beano.' `C'mon, guys! We can do better than that! We're the A-Team!'" Award a point if the author recaps previous chapters or "books" with a television style "opening montage" which includes jarring transitions between scenes, copy pasting text from previous installments, and any other television-like elements.
- Sidetracked by Mundanity: Award a cheese point for every paragraph that consists primarily of descriptions of actions or events that do nothing to further the plot and only serve to distract the reader from wanting to read the story. For example, in a story about Batman, the author devotes an entire chapter to some reporter going to the tax office, picking his kids up from school, describing, with excessive detail, how they cooked breakfast, used the toilet, washed their hands, repaired the stereo, and spoke to the woman at the head of the PTA about setting up a bake sale next week. No conflict, no drama, nothing that establishes conflict or interest, and that's if we chose to excuse the fact that it had absolutely nothing to do with Batman. (Ties in with That's Why I Prefer Amiga).
- Description Non Surprise Moment: Award a cheese point if the author has introduced all the characters' names, but still insists on throwing "mysterious" figures at the reader that "shockingly" turn out to be someone previously introduced. For example: "Susie is in a room. A tall blonde woman in a police uniform. "Hi, Susie," says John. (Bla bla bla, a few paragraphs pass). As John was sitting on his front porch, he noticed a beautiful blonde woman in a police uniform sitting near the door. It was Susie." GASP! I never would have expected it!
- Constantine's Cigarette: Award a cheese point if a character is described as smoking a cigarette really fast, throwing it on the ground, then immediately lighting another, and another, until they smoke a whole pack or carton.